Completely OT: Vancouver Olympics tourist questions

["Rob, grandpa of Ryan, Trevor, Devon & Hannah" <rMslade () shaw ca>]

Canada (a name derived from the Spanish for "there's nothing here") is a 
geographically large country above the United States and between the Atlantic and 
Pacific oceans.  On the left side, beside the Pacific Ocean, is the province of 
British Columbia (denoting "as far away from Britain as we could get without 
getting soaked").  In the bottom left hand corner is a small village known as 
Vancouver (meaning "we come from a small town in Holland"), which is about the 
only part of Canada that is not snowbound for at least ten months of the year.  
(In fact, some years Vancouver gets no snow at all.)  A few years back, the 
International Olympic committee made the mistake of deciding that the Winter 
Olympics for the year 2010 would be held in this location.

My brother sent me the following list of questions, from a "visit Canada" website, 
submitted by potential visitors who were desirous of more information about 
Canada, as well as the answers that the visitor's bureau staff would obviously love 
to send back, but don't dare:

------- Forwarded message follows -------

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants
grow?(UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch
them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking. 

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto-can I follow the Railroad
tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden) 
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes...

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to
contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one. 

Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list
of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the
hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA) 
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here
and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA) 
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which
is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night
in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races.  Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don't stink!

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you
sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female
population is smaller than the male population? (Italy) 
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year
round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is
illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its
name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the
brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by
spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

------- End of forwarded message -------

======================  (quote inserted randomly by Pegasus Mailer)
rslade () vcn bc ca      slade () victoria tc ca      rslade () sun soci niu edu
Virtual reality is for those who can't handle the command line
http://victoria.tc.ca/techrev    or    http://sun.soci.niu.edu/~rslade
_______________________________________________
Fun and Misc security discussion for OT posts.
https://linuxbox.org/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/funsec
Note: funsec is a public and open mailing list.