FC: NRA's virtual shooting gallery irks liberals, Cubans (satire)

[Declan McCullagh <declan () well com>]

http://www.madcowculture.com/madcow-00050.html

This virtual shooting gallery will put food
on the table and war in its place

Dead Meat
June 4, 2000
By Mad Cow Culture (madcowculture () madcowculture com)

The National Rifle Association plans to open a shooting gallery in New
York's Times Square. To be called Sports Blast, the virtual shooting
gallery will also have a restaurant in which wild game will be served.
Indeed, those really quick on the draw will be able to shoot their own
meals and dine within a requisite twenty-five minutes. This will give a
whole new meaning to fast food.

Though marketed as a place for healthy, family shooting, Sports Blast has
been criticized already for encouraging vigilantism and acts of revenge.
For example, the shooting gallery will offer customers a chance to hunt and
execute criminals on the 10 Most Wanted List or those that should be there
(There will exist an opportunity to make you own list, allowing players to
add family members, neighbors, and annoying subway riders at will).

The customer decides whether to summarily execute the criminal or let the
legal system take over. Points are awarded for executions, and they can be
used to purchase deer burgers at the wild game grill during which diners
can watch videos of big game hunts conducted by actors and politicians.

Petty criminals who steal gold chains in the subway or threaten pregnant
women will also be hunted in this virtual shoot-out. However, they will be
subjected to serious wounding, rather than execution. Customers will have
the option of letting these alleged felons bleed to death. Children will
need the approval of parent or guardian before they can make such series
adult decisions.

A major attraction is expected to be the Virtual Hunt in which participants
can hunt any animal on earth, even those on the endangered list or extinct,
with any weapon from club to tank. A sense of proportion is encouraged.
Critics argue that this game will encourage a sense of disproportion and
overkill among children who might well use an AK47 to hunt rabbit or
squirrel. The NRA counters that this is all good clean fun and no animal
actually dies. But reality does enter the picture, at least for those over
18. Shooters who kill the most game--in dressed pounds--over the course of
a year, will be eligible for a real big game hunt in Africa. Those with a
more adventurous streak will have the option of joining a soldier of
fortune club or an unregulated mercenary group to ferment unrest in
sub-Sahara Africa. However, these activities will have to be approved by
the US State Department which regularly uses such groups as instruments of
foreign policy.

Sports Blast offers a Virtual Invasion designed especially for
Cuban-Americans who want to overthrow Castro but don't want to leave the
comforts of Miami. Players have at their disposal all manner of weaponry
from crude, home-made knives to nuclear weapons. A "game within a game"
involves finding where Castro is hiding and sending in a sniper team to
take him out. No points are deducted if innocent bystanders become
"collateral damage." Winners have the option of obliterating the island
entirely or staging tire-burning festivals in Miami. The US government is
concerned that this harmless game will encourage inflammatory behavior on
the part of Cuban Americans and even instigate another Bay of Pigs. On
hearing about this game from pirated television signals, Castro reportedly
threatened to unleash on  Miami a thousand raft boys, mainly from Haiti,
with a prospect of swamping the American court system. NBC is already
talking about a made-for-television docudrama.

The NRA has brushed aside pleas from New York politicians to take the
Sports Blast to New Jersey. Executive Director Pierre Pearpointe dismisses
this option. "New York is one of the most violent cities in the world," he
countered. "Our virtual games will allow all New Yorkers to become
proficient with their weapon of choice in a soothing family setting. In
fact, there is compelling evidence that if players kill enough people and
animals in these virtual games, that will satisfy their blood lust and
lower the crime rate. Our focus groups have shown that, although heart
rate, blood pressure, and levels of anxiety and anger increase sharply
during these games, players are quite relaxed on leaving, especially after
eating a large deer or monkey burger in a social setting where kill ratios
can be discussed rationally around the family table, as it were."

Another game, which according to the NRA is designed to lower tribal and
ethnic tensions, is called "Make Your Own War." Team of players will
encourage tribal wars among Muslims, Catholics, Hindus and Zulus. The idea
is to wipe out a tribe without leaving any incriminating evidence,
including DNA. An ex-Serbian army colonel will be on location for free
consultation. In fact, players can actually hire an on-location consultant
to help customers improve their scores and chances for prizes.  There is
some fear that the Russian Mafia is already seeking a cut of tourists'
winnings.

What is causing particular consternation is a game tentatively titled
"Remake Your Own War," where participants can simply change the outcome of
any major war in history by computer manipulation. New York politicians,
especially those representing Jewish constituencies, fear neo-Nazis will be
offered a safe platform to rewrite World War II. Pearpointe brushes aside
this fear. "Everyone knows Hitler is dead. That's even advertised on one of
our T-shirts: Dead Meet." Pearpointe did not elaborate on the spelling of
"meet."

The NRA will be offering versions of these virtual war games on CD-ROMs
marketed initially to petty African dictators who squander lives and aid
money to gain a few miles of useless land. NRA has targeted Eritrea and
Ethiopia for such a product. Indeed, Pearpointe reports that the United
Nations is encouraging nations in conflict to fight their battles on a
"virtual field" before they commit to an actual war. He says we "are
getting to the point where good hand-eye coordination will be the key to
battlefield success. Heavy-set, hung -over tyrants who wear big rings and
gold pistols won't stand a chance against the nimble nerds who dress
badly."

The truly blood thirsty will be able to shoot the actual meat that will be
served at home. These sports people will be able to shoot sheep, bison and
cows grazing in distant meadows.  Five-hundred farmers across the country
are participating in the program for a fixed fee and advertising on the NRA
website. Through the use of proprietary technology, players will be able to
shoot the actual animal with a dye, made popular in suburban war games, in
effect marking their kill. The marked meat will be delivered to them, by
Federal Express, right after slaughter, at the going market rate.
Pearpointe admits there are still a few bugs in this virtual game.
Apparently game testers have been shooting everything in sight from the
barn to Farmer Jones and his wife. Even the chickens haven't escaped the
dye. The solution will likely mean limiting participation in this game to
people over 21 who can be expected to make mature decisions about what to
serve for supper.

Pearpointe is adamant that these bugs will be worked out and Sports Blast
will take its proper place alongside Disney and Warner in a rehabilitated
Times Square. "At the end of the day we are no more violent than Disney."

"Have you seen how profoundly shaken children are after seeing the new
dinosaur movie?"

Disney responded that none of its characters would be licensed to the NRA
for its virtual war games.

Attempting to have the last word Pearpointe responded: "We want nothing to
do with Mickey Mouse activities."


This article written by Mad Cow Culture (madcowculture () madcowculture com).

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