Spam beats cafeteria food

[InfoSec News <isn () c4i org>]

http://www.siliconvalley.com/mld/siliconvalley/3667466.htm

Sunday, July 14, 2002
DAVE BARRY

I understand there are still 14 or 15 people out there who are not on
the Internet. Boy, are you missing out! Just this morning I had an
experience that reminded me why the Internet is the most important
technological advance for humanity since humanity figured out how to
put cheese into an aerosol can.

What happened was, I was going through my work e-mail, by which I mean
I was deleting it. As you Internet users know, most e-mail comes from
''spammers,'' who are the mutant spawn of a bizarre reproductive act
involving a telemarketer, Larry Flynt, a tapeworm, and an executive of
the Third Class mail industry. Every day I get dozens, sometimes
hundreds, of e-mails from these people, almost always trying to sell
me one of four things: (1) pornography; (2) Viagra; (3) a product for
the man who is not satisfied with his natural self and would like to
increase, by as much as three inches, the size of his endowment; or
(4) a low-interest mortgage.

Why are there so many e-mail ads for these products? Does anybody buy
them? Is there a town somewhere, called Spamville, where the men
consume Viagra and pornography in bulk quantities, then lurch around
in a lust-crazed frenzy, their huge artificially enhanced endowments
knocking holes in their walls, so eventually their houses fall down,
forcing them to purchase new ones, using low-interest mortgages?

I don't know. All I know is, I spend about half of my time on the
Internet deleting e-mail. Fortunately, that leaves me with the other
half of my time available to accomplish a much more important task:  
trying to remember my password.

The newspaper I work for, The Miami Herald, is owned by a large
corporation that has a strict computer-password policy administered by
people who were kicked out of the Nazi party for being too anal
retentive. This policy requires us employees to constantly change our
passwords, to prevent you outsiders from breaking into our computer
system and reading our internal communications.

For example, you might see the electronic bulletin board where
reporters and editors discuss sensitive journalism issues, the main
one being how bad our cafeteria is. Do you remember, maybe 15 years
ago, when that giant barge full of garbage from Long Island was being
towed up and down the East Coast because nobody wanted to take it? Did
you ever wonder what happened to it? Apparently, to judge from the
comments on our bulletin board, it's being gradually converted, ton by
ton, into Miami Herald cafeteria entrees.

But as I say, that information is classified. To keep you outsiders
from getting hold of it, we employees are required to keep changing
our passwords until, in a triumph of corporate security, we cannot
remember them even with the aid of Sodium Pentothal. Many of us have
to put a post-it note on our computer with our password written on it,
along with the word ''PASSWORD,'' so we remember what it is. This is
probably not a solid security practice, but if we don't do it, we will
be unable to get into the system and carry out the important work of
deleting our e-mail.

So anyway, this morning I was at my home computer. I'd managed to log
on and was deleting my e-mail when my 2-year-old daughter climbed into
my lap and demanded to see Elmo. Elmo, like everybody else, is on the
Internet, and if you go to his site, you can play the Laundry Game,
where you help Elmo sort his laundry. This may sound pointless, but
trust me, it's one of the more productive things you can do on the
Internet.

So the situation was this: I had a 2-year-old squirming in my lap, and
a screenful of e-mail to be deleted. Somehow, trying to locate Elmo, I
clicked the mouse on the wrong thing, and suddenly OHMIGOD, there it
was, in color, a picture of four or five people, and what I believe
was a very excited barnyard animal, all of them jaybird naked and
engaging in some activity that, whatever it was, had nothing to do
with obtaining a mortgage.

I can't be more specific because I was frantically spinning my chair
away from the screen and covering my daughter's eyes with one hand
while trying to click the picture away, but as soon as I did MORE
pictures popped up, and then more, covering the screen with explicit
images of people and animals and possibly, at one point, Elmo. I
finally had to turn off my computer to make it all go away.

My point is, I could not have had this experience without the
Internet. I want to thank everybody who made it possible, especially
you spammers. Maybe some day I'll meet you in person!

I'll buy your lunch.



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