FC: Note to Dems: Don't Let Joeseph Lieberman Log On

[Declan McCullagh <declan () well com>]

[I wrote this Lieberman piece the week we learned he was going to be the 
Dems' VP nominee but never got around to sending it out. Here it is, for 
your (potential) amusement. --Declan]

********

http://www.cluebot.com/article.pl?sid=00/10/11/143236&mode=nested

   Note to Dems: Don't Let Joe Lieberman Log On
   from the back-away-from-that-mouse-senator dept.
   By Declan McCullagh (declan () well com)


   An open letter to Democrats:

   Your vice presidential candidate, Senator Joseph Lieberman, is without
   question a determined fellow.

   Who else would pen 1700-word essays carefully analyzing how many DWPM
   -- that's Dirty Words Per Minute -- appear on prime-time TV? Who else
   would painstakingly construct an oh-so-Washington response: The FCC
   should step in and threaten those TV networks with loss of their
   licenses if they don't cough up, Al Capone-style, protection
   programming?

   In the first hour of primetime, Lieberman writes in an essay published
   the week he accepted the veep slot, "sexual references have now
   reached an average of 3.69 per hour."

   Now, let's put aside the question of why an esteemed member of the
   world's greatest deliberative body feels the urge to take a counter to
   phrases like "Want to come up to my place for a drink?"

   It's true that Lieberman is quoting a study and perhaps didn't perform
   the mind-splitting task of weighing whether "Your place or mine?"
   falls into the safe-for-Junior or the raise-the-alarum category,
   though given his apparent predilection for prurience, one has to
   wonder.

   But calm down, Nadine Strossen: There's nothing particularly Orwellian
   about this precise, prudish algebra. That's because such fractional
   calculations, combined with the high-pitched harmonics of smug moral
   superiority, bespeak not so much Big Brother as an invigorated Kenneth
   Starr after a particularly rousing Bible study group. Does it really
   matter whether there are 3.692 sex mentions per hour or 3.714? More
   importantly, does nobody in Washington remember "significant figures"
   from their junior high math classes?

   One gets the impression that even if the sex-mentions-per-hour
   plummeted to 0.01, Lieberman would still be railing against Hollywood
   -- in much the same fervid-but-futile way that Moms used to warn teens
   about the corrupting influence of Elvis, and that was even before The
   King grew jowly, middle-aged, and potbellied.

   No, what really worries me aren't Lieberman's views on network TV.
   Let's be honest: Prime time television is as moribund nowadays as Dan
   Quayle's presidential ambitions, and even less interesting to chat
   about. What worries me is how behind the curve this fellow is. I mean,
   this guy wants to be able to succeed, in a pinch, Bill Clinton in the
   Oval Office.

   Sure, Clinton will be best remembered for unconsummated hummers from
   Monica, but at least he'd be an entertaining chap to hang out and
   swill beer with at a Yankees game. You just know that if Lieberman
   were sitting next to you, he'd whip out his calculator and start
   adding up how many times per minute each player swore.

   More to the point, it was Bob Dole who ran against Clinton four years
   ago by pandering to the right-wingers and whining about Hollywood's
   "nightmares of depravity." Can't Al & Joe think of anything new?

   Note to Dems: Big Bob lost.

   Of course, if the latest polls are any indication, the same thing's
   going to happen to Al and Joe. Why shouldn't they follow Dole's lead
   again post-November, if only to escape the ranks of the new
   unemployed? The former moral crusader and Viagra spokesman -- who has
   done as much to popularize discussions of problematic penises as Bill
   Clinton, albeit in a far more lucrative way -- this May inked a deal
   with Comedy Central, best known for raunchy shows like "South Park"
   that feature plots such as Satan getting buggered by Saddam Hussein.
   It may not be traditional family values, but Foreign Relations
   Committee Chairman Jesse Helms would surely approve.

   The real problem is what might happen if Lieberman discovers the
   Internet. He's a smart enough guy, even sponsored the obligatory
   anti-spam legislation, but then again you'd be hard-pressed nowadays
   to find any Congresscritter who hasn't. He may even be reasonably
   wired, might even read his own email, but you know that he's never
   spent any time mucking around the underbelly of the Net.

   You don't have to go very far. Just go to altavista.com and type in,
   say, "foot fetish." Presto! The advanced artificial intelligence of
   one of the leading search engines kicks in, and you get your
   neural-network-certified picks: "Female foot fetishes," "bare foot
   fetishes," "male foot fetishes." The press has made a lot of
   Lieberman's status as an Orthodox Jew, so one presumes he won't be a
   fan of jewishfetish.com, even though all the men do appear to be
   properly circumsized.

   If Lieberman is so eager to sic those hapless FCC bureaucrats on
   network television, imagine what he'd do to the Net. He's already been
   talking about creating a .xxx top level domain for smut, but I don't
   think he quite realizes how much of it there is out there.

   So, in the name of brotherly love, don't ever, ever let Joseph
   Lieberman log on.

   Sincerely,

   Declan McCullagh
   Washington, DC
   http://www.mccullagh.org/




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