Re: Notice to all employees

[Jonathan Leffler <jleffler () us ibm com>]

Someone commented that it has been circulating for a month - I saw a draft 
version of it, then, about 12 years ago!

Date: Wed, 20 Aug 1997 09:10:19 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: AF Job security

DEPARTMENT OF THE AIR FORCE

MEMORANDUM FOR ALL PERSONNEL

SUBJECT: Reduction in Forces.

1. Once again, as a result of the reduced funding available in the FY97 
and
   FY98 budgets, we are forced to significantly down-size our forces.

2. Under the guidelines we have received from HQ AFMPC, those members over
   forty years of age will be asked to accept early retirement, thus
   permitting retention of younger, lower paid personnel who represent the
   future Air Force anyway.

3. Therefore, a program to phase out the older personnel by the end of
   FY97/98 via retirement will be placed into effect immediately.  This
   program will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Personnel Early).

4. Personnel who are RAPED will be given the opportunity to cross-train.
   Personnel being RAPED can request a review of their records prior to
   termination.  This phase of the program will be called SCREW (Survey of
   Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).

5. All personnel being RAPED or SCREWED may file an appeal to higher
   headquarters, this phase will be called SHAFT (Study by Higher 
Authority
   Follow-ups Termination).  Under the guidelines to the new policy, a
   member may only be RAPED once or SCREWED twice, but he or she may be
   SHAFTED as many times as the Air Force deems appropriate.

6. Provided an employee follows the above procedure, he or she will be
   entitled to receive HERPES (Half-Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early
   Severance), or CLAP (Combined Lump-sum Assistance Payment), unless he 
or
   she already has AIDS (Additional Income from Dependent or Spouse).  As
   HERPES or CLAP are considered benefit plans, any member who has 
received
   HERPES or CLAP will no longer be RAPED or SCREWED by the Air Force.

7. The Air Force wishes to reassure the younger personnel remaining with
   the organization that they will continue to receive the best training
   possible through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT) program.
   The Air Force takes great pride in the amount of SHIT that our 
personnel
   receive.  We have given our personnel more SHIT than any other branch 
in
   the Department of Defense.  If anyone feels that he or she has not
   received his or hers fair share of SHIT, please feel free to bring it 
to
   your supervisor's attention.  He or she has been instructed to ensure
   that all personnel receive all the SHIT that they can handle.

8. Those personnel who have been RAPED, SCREWED, and SHAFTED, and
   previously accepted either HERPES or CLAP but now have AIDS aren't
   eligible for SHIT!



-- 
Jonathan Leffler (jleffler () us ibm com)
STSM, Informix Database Engineering, IBM Information Management
4400 N First St, San Jose, CA 95134-1257
Tel: +1 408-956-2436         Tieline: 475-2436
"I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it!"

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