FC: Politech humor: Future airline security news from 2002

[Declan McCullagh <declan () well com>]

Warning: off-color humor below. The author of this message (who knows how 
many people actually have access to a yahoo/hotmail account) appears to be 
C.J. Parker, a colorful fellow:
http://www.politechbot.com/cgi-bin/politech.cgi?name=sonofgomez709

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From: "sonofgomez709" <sonofgomez709 () yahoo com>
To: "C J Parker" <sog () w-link net>
Subject: Future gNus
Date: Wed, 2 Jan 2002 18:47:08 -0800

December 22, 2001

"Lone Nut" of "Middle Eastern descent" (later discovered to be a Puerto
Rican) is subdued (i.e. beaten senseless) by passengers of airliner
after trying to ignite plastic explosives in shoes. Plane is "escorted"
by two military jets and rerouted to Boston where would be bomber is
arrested. Later that day, all passengers are forced to removed shoes for
inspection before boarding planes. Delays reach up to 4 hours during
already hectic holiday season. No other shoe bombs are found, but the
searches continue. All planes are equipped with video black boxes that
record last images of pilots and passengers in the event of a
catastrophe.

February 4, 2002

An 86 year-old Amish woman on a Florida to Ohio flight detonates a bomb
in pants disguised as battery operated light-up "Viva Las Vegas!"
panties. The last video image from black box shows her knocking over
stewardess and tearing off dress before detonating explosive. All
passengers on board are killed. 25 people on the ground are also killed
by falling debris. As a result, all passengers are required to remove
their undergarments for inspection in makeshift, screened rooms. Flights
are delayed for up to 3 days as lines of irritated passengers wait to be
stripped naked by convicted felons (it is discovered that 89% of airport
security employees are ex-cons and parolees).

February 13, 2002

While passengers are still being strip searched in American airports, a
man on United flight 302 from Philadelphia to New York belly flops in
the center isle, setting off the nitro-glycerine that his clothes were
later found to be soaked in. In a move that outrages the few surviving
civil rights organizations, FAA requires all passengers fly in the nude
and forgo any in-flight snacks as FBI demonstrates on live TV how a
peanut can be used to kill a grown man.

June 3, 2002

While Bush is on live TV proclaiming his success in clearing the world
of terrorism (UN and US intervened in Indo-Pakistani conflict and
accidentally dumped large Anthrax stockpiles and nuclear weapons on all
of the Middle East. It was labeled "colateral damage") a woman detonates
a tube of explosives concealed in her anal cavity. 300 people on board
are killed as well as 263 on ground as wreckage rained down on a
Shriner's parade in Utah. All fliers are now required to submit to a
body cavity search before boarding plane.

July 4, 2002

A naked couple on Alaskan Airlines Flight 65 uses a two-in-one explosive
compound to destroy the plane. The man had clear, odorless coating of
one chemical on penis, and the woman had second chemical douche before
boarding the plane. Flight footage shows couple engaging in intercourse,
successfully combining two benign chemicals and forming one super
explosive chemical that equaled the power of 5,000 pounds of TNT.
Passengers are now required to wear an electronic chastity belt that
dissolves the wearer's genitals with a highly corrosive acid at the
first signs of arousal.

CJ Parker <<mailto:sonofgomez709 () yahoo com>sonofgomez709 () yahoo com>
http://profiles.yahoo.com/sonofgomez709
<http://members.w-link.net/~sog/INDEX.HTM>http://members.w-link.net/~sog/INDEX.HTM
http://toto.diary-x.com
ICQ 138724628
"The True Story Of The InterNet"
The Xenix ChainSaw Massacre
<http://www.technopagan.org/politics/xenix/>http://www.technopagan.org/politics/xenix/
WebWorld & The Mythical Circle Of Eunuchs
<http://www.technopagan.org/politics/webworld/>http://www.technopagan.org/politics/webworld/ 

InfoWar: Final Frontier Of The Digital rEvolution
<http://www.technopagan.org/politics/infowarriors/>http://www.technopagan.org/politics/infowarriors/
Space Aliens Hide My Drugs
<http://www.technopagan.org/politics/sahmd/>http://www.technopagan.org/politics/sahmd/ 





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