FC: Eurekistan, a "pious playground" for Taliban fighters (satire)

[Declan McCullagh <declan () well com>]

http://www.madcowculture.com/madcow-00088.html

A Playground for the War-Weary
12 Nov 2001
By Mad Cow Culture (madcowculture () madcowculture com)

Eurekistan will not become the 194th member of the United Nations.

The country, folded into the northeastern neck of Afghanistan and Pakistan,
has a higher GDP than Somalia, a better literacy rate than Finland, and
more hotel rooms than Breezewood, Pennsylvania.

That is apparently not enough for the United Nations, which said Eurekistan
lacked a number of assets civilized nations need. These include: a standing
army, a degree of racial, religious and ethnic unrest, and a profitable
trade in arms exports.

Eurekistan's Prime Minister Mohammed Smith, a former manager of client
services for Euro Disney, counters that "we are interested in building a
nation that does not need guns and ethnic unrest to fuel the economy."

He believes, to his dismay, that Muslim member countries of the UN General
Assembly joined together to block Eurekistan's request for admission. ""I
think my brothers do not fully understand the Charter of my country which
is dedicated to peace, joy, and wholesome family entertainment. There is
nothing un-Islamic about our business practices. We encourage family
members to come here on a kind of pilgrimage of fantasy."

Despite Smith's proclamations, Eurekistan is as much a business as a
country. The genesis for the idea came from Saudi Prince Abdullah, who thought
the war-ravaged region would be well-served by a version of Euro-Disney
that would be acceptable to fundamentalist Muslims. The Prince suggested
the idea to Disney which quietly provided technology and sophisticated
animation software to get the business off the ground. The Prince, who
provided the investment capital, saw Eurekistan as a kind of Orlando for
war-weary families, freedom fighters and terrorists who wanted to get away
from the front lines.

Prince Abdullah purchased a rock-strewn plain, about the size of Monaco,
from the Taliban who were short on revenue because poppy production was
down. The Prince then built a theme park, thousands of hotel rooms, dozens
of mosques, and a scattering of paradise oases for dignified lounging.

The rides are very sedate and proper, reflecting various scenes from the
Scriptures including "A Ride with Noah," "A Walk through the Red Sea," and
"A Trek Up Sinai." After each ride visitors relax in tree lined settings
which include rivers of honey and maidens who serve fresh fruit.

Smith argues that the theme park and accommodations are consistent with
Muslim piety and decorum. He suggests his brethren lighten up and be more
sensitive to people's needs in the here and now.

"I want to remind my people of their rich and complex ancestry," he told
the Pakistan Gazette, an English language daily. "We invented the number
system. The word "algebra" is of Arabic origin. Islamic thinker and
philosophers contributed to the flowering of Western and Eastern cultures.
So we have been firmly anchored in the sensate world. But we have been
taken down a dark corridor"

"I want to remind my brethren that we are also the product of Rumi, the
mystic poet, and a Muslim. Eight hundred years ago Rumi celebrated the
ecstatic body and wisdom that exists beyond religions."

But Mohammed Smith appears to be a realist and plans to make adjustments at
the Eurekistan Islamic Theme Park. "I get complaints from fundamentalists
is that this park is too airy, bright, and joyful; that it doesn't reflect
the dark and forbidding side of the culture. The Taliban even suggested
that only night-time joy rides should be acceptable."

To satisfy his various constituencies Smith plans to add a Hell Pavilion
where visitors can actually torture condemned unbelievers played by very
responsive dummies. Children will be encouraged to take part in this
activity.

Smith will also add a Shooting range where visitors can shoot, bomb, or
bazooka an enemy of choice. The clamor is for American targets, but he is
trying to resist the call. "After all," he notes, "I also expect Muslim
Americans to visit our country."

Ironically, once he made his intentions clear, UN General Assembly members
have signaled that Eurekistan might be favorably received as a new member.

But this will have to wait until the UN completes its session on Fighting
Terrorism.

Apparently Saudi support made all the difference. Prince Abdullah denies
saying that the war in Afghanistan will be good for business.

###

This article written by Mad Cow Culture (madcowculture () madcowculture com).




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