FC: Microsoft will admit to Lewinsky affair too if lawsuit dropped

[Declan McCullagh <declan () well com>]

[Humor, obviously. --DBM]

**********

Date: Mon, 22 Jan 2001 08:39:25 -0800
From: "Jeffrey St. Clair" <sitka () home com>
To: cp <counterpunch-list () counterpunch org>,
        Declan McCullagh <declan () well com>
Subject: MS Will Admit Affair in Exchange for Dropping Case

Company, Like President, Indiscreet; Should Get Same Killer
Deal, Says Ballmer

Redmond, Wash. (<SatireWire.com>) _ Only hours after
President Clinton struck a deal to avoid prosecution by
admitting he lied in court about Monica Lewinsky, Microsoft
CEO Steve Ballmer announced the entire company will admit to
an affair with Lewinsky if the government will drop the case
against it, too.

In a prepared statement, Ballmer said people were "sick and
tired" of both the Clinton proceedings and the Microsoft
trial, and noted that both defendants should be given the
same settlement, "especially since we're both guilty of the
same thing."

"Microsoft did have an inappropriate relationship with that
woman, Miss Lewinsky, and it was wrong of us not to testify
to that in court," the statement said. "This has been
painful to the entire Microsoft family of products, and I
hope our actions today will help bring closure and finality
to the matters."

U.S. District Court Judge Thomas Penfield Jackson, however,
declared the confession "irrelevant" to the case, which is
awaiting a date in appeals court. "I don't care if they
admit cheating with Paul Jones and (Rev.) Jesse Jackson," he
said.

In response, Ballmer said Microsoft was prepared to confess
to those as well, although he insisted a Rev. Jackson
disclosure would require "a little something" back, such as
the complete revocation of the Sherman Antitrust Act.

Ballmer refused to make public details of the alleged
affair, but according to an inside source, Lewinsky briefly
worked as an intern in Redmond in 1997, shortly after
leaving the White House. According to the source, Lewinsky
met several times with the company, usually at night, where
certain sexual acts were performed on the corporation.
Often, Microsoft would lean against a doorway, or sit on the
edge of a desk. 




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