IMPORTANT MEMO: Los Alamos National Laboratory [Humor]

[InfoSec News <isn () C4I ORG>]

Forwarded By: "James M. Atkinson, Comm-Eng" <jmatk () tscm com>


IMPORTANT MEMO
To: All staff, Los Alamos National Laboratory
From: Bill Richardson, Secretary of Energy

Dear staff members:

Due to an unfortunate overreaction by the Republican Congress to our
minor difficulties in the security area, we're being forced to tighten
up just a bit.

Effective Monday:

1. The brown paper bag in which we store the computer disk drives that
contain the nation's nuclear secrets will no longer be left on the
picnic table at the staff commissary during lunch hour. It will be
stored in "the vault." I know this is an inconvenience to many of you,
but it's a sad sign of the times.

2. The three-letter security code for accessing "the vault" will no
longer be "B-O-B." To confuse would-be spies, that security code will
be reversed. Please don't tell anybody.

3. Visiting scientists and graduate students from Libya, North Korea
and mainland China will no longer be allowed to wander the hallways
without proper identification. Beginning Monday, they will be required
to wear a stick-on lapel tag that clearly states, "Hello, My Name Is .
. . ." The stickers will be available at the front desk.

4. The computer network used for scientific calculations will no
longer be hyperlinked via the Internet to such Web sites as
www.moammar.com, www.swedechicks.com, or www.hackers-r-us.com. Links
to all Disney sites will be maintained, however.

5. Researchers bearing a security clearance of Level 5 and higher will
no longer be permitted to exchange updates on their work by posting
advanced-physics formulas on the men's room walls.

6. On "Bowling Night," please check your briefcases and laptop
computers at the front counter of the Bowl-a-Drome instead of leaving
them in the cloakroom. Mr. Badonov, the front-counter supervisor, has
promised to "keep un eye on zem" for us.

7. Staff members will no longer be allowed to take home small amounts
of plutonium, iridium or uranium for use in those "little weekend
projects around the house." That includes you parents who are helping
the kids with their science fair projects.

8. Thermonuclear devices may no longer be checked out for
"recreational use."  We've not yet decided if exceptions will be made
for Halloween, the Fourth of July or New Year's Eve. We'll keep you
posted.

9. Employees may no longer "borrow" the AA batteries from the burglar
alarm system to power their Game Boys and compact-disc players during
working hours.

10. And, finally, when reporting for work each day, all employees must
enter through the front door. Raoul, the janitor, will no longer admit
employees who tap three times on the side door to avoid clocking in
late.

I know this crackdown might seem punitive and oppressive to many of
you, but it is our sworn duty to protect the valuable national secrets
that have been entrusted to our care.

Remember: Security isn't a part-time job -- it's an imperative, all 37
1/2 hours of the week!

Sincerely,


===================================================================
       Everybody's into computers... Who's into yours??
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 James M. Atkinson                          Phone: (978) 546-3803
 Granite Island Group
 127 Eastern Avenue #291                     http://www.tscm.com/
 Gloucester, MA 01931-8008                       jmatk () tscm com
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  "By the pricking of my thumbs, something wicked this way comes."
                                 - Macbeth, Shakespeare
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