IP: 1st annual duh awards

[Dave Farber <dave () farber net>]

>  
> Subject: 1st annual duh awards
>
> or:  You have to miss Dan Quayle (among others)
>    
> "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if
> we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot
> live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
> --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest. [and her hair color...?]
> "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I
> can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all
> those flies and death and stuff,"
> -- Mariah Carey [now we know why she's such a sensitive actress]
> "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your
> life." 
> --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal
> antismoking campaign.
> "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
> -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
> "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in
> the country," 
> -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC. [it helps to read crime stats when
> you're stoned] 
> "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees,"
> -- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks.
> "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and
> I'm just the one to do it,"
> -- A congressional candidate in Texas.
> "I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them.
> There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were
> selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."
> -- John Wayne [just because they've been here 10,000 years, you'd think they
> had rights or something]
> "Half this game is ninety percent mental."
> -- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark [Danny was never really good
> at the stats part of baseball]
> "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in
> our air and water that are doing it."
> -- Al Gore, Vice President
> "If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut
> right out from under your feet,"
> -- Former British foreign minister, Ernest Bevin.
> "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
> -- Dan Quayle [days like this....I really miss Dan]
> "It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or
> another" 
> -- George Bush, US President
> "We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
> -- Lee Iacocca [not all of us can afford mink-lined oxygen masks, Lee]
> "I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the
> truth. I assisted in furthering that version,"
> -- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony. [Lied. Say it
> slowly, Ollie....L-I-E-D]
> "The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like
> Norman Einstein,"
> -- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
> "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of
> people." 
> -- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
> "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
> -- Bill Clinton, President
> "We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
> -- Al Gore, VP 
> "Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
> -- Keppel Enderbery
> "The loss of life will be irreplaceable."
> -- Dan Quayle 
> "I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have is
> that I didn't study my Latin harder in school so I could converse with those
> people." 
> -- Dan Quayle, VP [I mean it, I really do miss him!]
> "It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago!"
> -- Dan Quayle, VP
> "Hawaii is a unique state. It is a small state. It is a state that is by
> itself. It is different from the other 49 states. Well, all states are
> different, but it's got a particularly unique situation."
> -- Dan Quayle, VP [they made him swim home after that one]
> "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received
> notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is
> a change in your circumstances."
> -- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina [right after
> you call the New York Times]
> "We apologize for the error in last week's paper in which we stated that
> Mr. Arnold Dogbody was a defective in the police force We meant, of course,
> that Mr. Dogbody is a detective in the police farce."
> -- Correction Notice in the Ely Standard, a British newspaper
> "If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they
> go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next
> morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
> -- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman [and they'll cut off your food stamps]