IP: (some fun djf) English in the European Economic Community

[Dave Farber <farber () central cis upenn edu>]

From: "Ron Harper" <RonHarper () xc org>


NEWS RELEASE


     Subject: English in the European Economic Community (EEC)


     Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC, the
     European Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in ways
     of improving efficiency in communications between Government
     departments.


     European officials have often pointed out that English spelling
     is unnecessarily difficult - for example, cough, plough, rough,
     through and thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased
     programme of changes to iron out these anomalies. The programme
     would, of course, be administered by a committee staff at top
     level by participating nations.


     In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using
     's' instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants in all
     sities would resieve this news with joy. Then the hard 'c' could
     be replaced by 'k' sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not
     only would this klear up konfusion in the minds of klerikal
     workers, but typewriters kould be made with one less letter.


     There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it
     kould be announsed that the troublesome 'ph' would henseforth be
     written 'f'. This would make words like 'fotograf' twenty per
     sent shorter in print.


     In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be
     expekted to reash the stage where more komplikated shanges are
     possible. Governments would enkourage the removal of double
     letters which have always been a deterent to akurate speling.


     We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the
     languag is disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop thes and kontinu to
     read and writ as though nothing had hapend. By this tim it would
     be four years sins the skem began and peopl would be reseptive to
     steps sutsh as replasing 'th' by 'z'. Perhaps zen ze funktion of
     'w' kould be taken on by 'v', vitsh is, after al, half a 'w'.
     Shortly after zis, ze unesesary 'o kould be dropd from words
     kontaining 'ou'. Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer
     kombinations of leters.


     Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli
     sensibl riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls,
     difikultis and evrivun vud fin it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze
     drems of ze Guvermnt vud finali hav kum tru.
                                           
                                               # # #