from Telecom Digest SO speak out!!

[Dave Farber <farber () central cis upenn edu>]

SIGNIFICANT OTHERS SPEAK OUT !!!


By:  Shirley Clawson


So you've found yourself attracted to a computer nerd.  (Sorry
techies; that IS what those of us that exist in the real world call
you.)  Spousal units and significant others (collectively referred to
herein as "SO's") who have long endured the idiosyncrasies of their
techie mates have banded together to provide the unsuspecting "future
significant other" a peek at existence with: THE TECHIE.  But first, a
couple of disclaimers: All persons and events portrayed in this
article are real and any resemblance to actual people or incidents is
entirely intentional.  Techies portrayed herein are of the male
variety but male SO's have confirmed that they experience the same
phenomenon in relation to their female techies.


To properly co-exist with a techie, you must first understand three
basic premises on which his view of the world is based:


1.   There is a proper order in the universe.  Computers
     come first; significant others somewhere thereafter.


2.   Programmers, while reluctantly admitting (subsequent
     to intense pressure) that they are not God, are however,
     equal to God.


3.   Computer illiterate people are complete morons.


These three premises result in techies having a drastically different
way of thinking as compared to the average person.  This unique
approach to life will be exhibited on a daily basis in many subtle
ways:


TOPIC           WHAT YOU'RE THINKING      WHAT HE'S THINKING
==============  =======================   ===========================
Ideal Vacation  Tahiti                    Las Vegas -- during Comdex


Shopping Trip   New wardrobe              Computer bookstore


Eating Out      Chez Romantic             Vending machine at the office


Fun Weekend     Picnic in the mountains   Non-stop programming


6 A.M.          Romantic sunrise          Late night of programming


People over for
  Dinner        Friends, Conversation     Victims to view latest
                                          software developments
  Tax Time      Call an accountant        Order a tax package for SO


   Looking at
     Stereo
     Equipment     Casual browsing        Select model, Close deal


   Share
     Housework     50/50                   Refrain from complaining that
                                           Pepsi isn't restocked


   Spending more
     time with
     Children      Interactive Learning    Set up Barbies next to computer


   Reason to cash out
     Investments   Child's Education       This years BMW's look good


It is true that techies rarely subscribe to GQ magazine but, in all
fairness, let's dispense with the slide-rule, taped glasses, white,
button-down shirt stereotype.  They no longer wear slide-rules;
laptops are in.  Taped glasses -- well, ok, sometimes.  White shirts
have been replaced by t-shirts and flowered Hawaiian atrocities.
"Dressing up" for a special occasion entails putting on jeans and a
wrinkled shirt with a collar.  If you happen to be domestically
inclined, don't bother ironing shirts (or if you're not, feeling
guilty about NOT ironing them) because pressed shirts are simply not a
priority in a Techie's life and neither he nor any of his contemporaries 
will notice that the shirt he's wearing looks like it's been trapped
between his mattress and box springs for a year.


Material possessions are of vital importance to the techie.  Of
paramount importance is: THE CAR.  The cost of this is directly
proportional to the size of: THE EGO.  There are two types of vehicles
owned by techies: 1966 station wagons with deteriorating wood on the
sides OR the most expensive vehicle income will allow.  (Neither
category would be caught dead, however, driving a car with a Mary Kay
bumper sticker attached.)  Single techies can be identified by their
dumpy apartments, frayed clothing and impeccably maintained Ferraris.


Techies with vehicles in the second category assemble their machines
for the annual Testosterone 500.  Grown men gather at an area race
track, spend 90 percent of the day walking around bragging about their
car to anyone who will listen and devote the balance of the time
tearing around on a track hoping they won't kill themselves.  What we
are witnessing is NOT simply a car race, but rather a battle of the
egos.  This same group of techies has also mastered the art of
maneuvering discussion of THE CAR into every conversation.


The home computer system is another source of competition.  Our family
of four (techie, SO, eight and two year old) is the proud owner of six
computers, seven monitors, three laser printers, two dot matrix
printers, two scanners, two optical disk drives, a CD ROM drive, and
four boxes of cables that "might come in handy someday".  Most
appalling of all is that the two year old is limited to a 286 with an
EGA!  HORRORS!  Special effort is made to explain to visiting techies
that we are in the process of upgrading her system.


Other elaborate electronic devices run a close second to the "home
computer competition".  Techies must always have the latest and the
best of any electronic device on the market and they MUST be the first
in their group to own one.  We have established true superiority with
our home PBX phone system with the capacity to handle ten incoming
lines, conference calls, 45 auto-dial numbers and, best of all, music
on hold.  Oh, and our answering machine has voice mail capabilities,
can receive fax transmissions and makes dinner.


As you've probably already noticed, dating a techie has special
challenges and rewards.  Although your social hours are restricted to
11:00 p.m. - 3:00 a.m., you do have the opportunity to meet other SO's
who, like you, are hanging around the office waiting for "just one
more compile".  A techie's estimate of "15 more minutes" generally
means they will appear an hour or two later having absolutely no clue
that more than 15 minutes has passed.


If you do manage to convince your techie to take a vacation, plan on
his inspecting the computer system at every hotel, gas station,
restaurant, car rental agency and airline.  Expect him to make
suggestions for improvements to busboys, valets, maids and waiters,
none of whom have the remotest interest in their establishment's
computer system, much less any influence in this arena.  Keep in mind
also that no matter where you go, techies will find each other.  The
first trip I, my sweetie and his portable computer took together was
to Europe.  I was one of the lucky few to be dating a man who owned
one of the first portable computers manufactured, which of course
automatically entitled us to first class service everywhere.  He no
sooner had placed the computer on the airline tray table than six
fellow techies leaped to his side to discuss the merits of the
computer.  Personal conversation with my traveling companion totalled
ten minutes out of a six hour flight.


Lunching with a group of techies is comparable to being dropped into a
remote village in central Albania, with one major difference: Sign
language is completely useless.  They are speaking a foreign language
and they are completely oblivious to this fact.  My suggestion: Don't
bother going.  No one will notice that you were there anyway, including 
your techie.


Parties dominated by techies are truly exciting experiences.  Techies
have never developed the art of smalltalk (their computers don't
require this attribute) so don't expect to see a techie talking to a
non-techie.  If a techie was forced to bring his SO, he will feel
obligated, however, to forego technical discussions for at least the
first ten minutes.


If you are unfortunate enough to be an SO with a "real job", you will
encounter additional difficulties.  The techie cannot fathom anyone
going to work earlier than 10:00 a.m.  He will tell you to simply
inform your boss that you won't be starting until then.


Techies are very well read.  They devour books and articles on such
exciting topics as memory management, VXD's and debugging but give
them a book on relationships and watch the panic spread across their
faces.  Mention a couples workshop you think both of you should attend
and watch those deadlines move up.


At some point in their relationship, the SO must reveal to the
techie that a romantic holiday does not entail bringing along a
portable computer, stacks of computer magazines and a trunkload
of listings.  They will be expected to spend an entire weekend
without their computer!  If you make it through this traumatic
experience, a marriage or move-in-together proposal may be in the
air.  Expect any proposal to be very practical.  Important issues
such as what kind of dog you will get, how much money will be
allotted to ego-related purchases, and how much space will be
allocated for the special, hands-off place for his computers in
your future home must be settled before a techie will even
consider a permanent relationship.   (Critical tip:  This
allotted space will double in size within six months, often
spewing out into other areas of your home if you have not planned
ahead.)  Your wedding date will be arranged around development
conferences, COMDEX and technical crises.


If, at some point in your relationship, you decide to have children,
you will have to fit baby-making in between compiles.  If you do
manage to conceive, take a few photographs of your techie to tape over
the baby's crib so your child will recognize your techie's face as
well as his back.


On a personal level, the techie is very supportive of his significant
other.  When I decided to diet, my techie stood by me and agreed to
diet with me; as long as he didn't have to give up Pepsi and Twinkies.
When I determined that I needed a new look, he promised not to laugh
when I came back with a new hairdo and agreed to unlimited funding for
purchases made at lingerie shops.


The techie is also an accomplished gift-giver.  Just last month, for
my birthday, my techie gave me a Bug Zapper.  (You know, one of those
things that vaporizes the bugs flying around on your patio.)  It seems
he "heard me mention that we should get one."  Guess he missed the
references to the diamond necklace and pearl earrings.  Last Christmas
I was the proud recipient of a portable toolkit -- it's a beaut.


Well, I'd better close now.  I'm due for my 10:43 appointment to
review the 1991 COMDEX floor plan with you-know-who.  Never a dull
moment ...


                    --------------------


   Biography:  The author is married to a techie who denies
   exhibiting any of the aforementioned behavior and feigned
   ignorance when asked if he noticed these characteristics in any
   of his fellow techies.


   (c) Copyright 1991 by Shirley Clawson, ALL RIGHTS RESERVED