Interesting People mailing list archives

Is there a Santa Claus? -- time for a bit of humor


From: David Farber <farber () central cis upenn edu>
Date: Fri, 9 Dec 1994 11:13:41 -0500

From: booloo () framsparc ocf llnl gov (Mark Boolootian)




I don't know where this originated, but it circulates the net every year
about this time.




                        IS THERE A SANTA CLAUS?


 As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from
that renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) - I am pleased to
present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.  1)  No known species
of reindeer can fly.  BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet
to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does
not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.


 2)  There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since
Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist
cihldren, that reduces the workload to to 15% of the total - 378 million
according to Population Reference Bureau.  At an average (census) rate of 3.5
children per household, that's 91.8 million homes.  One presumes there's at
least one good child in each.


 3)  Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different
time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west
(which seemes logical).  This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is
to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has
1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney,
fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat
whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the
sleigh and move on to the next house.  Assuming that each of these 91.8
million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we
know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we
are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million
miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every
31 hours, plus feeding and etc.


 This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000
times the speed of sound.  For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-> made
vehicle on earth, theUlysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per
second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.


 4)  The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element.  Assuming
that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds),
the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably
described as overweight.  On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more
than 300 pounds.  Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could
pull TEN TIMES the normal anount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even
nine.  We need 214,200 reindeer.  This increases the payload - not even
counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison -
this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.


 5)  353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enourmous air
resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as
spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere.  The lead pair of reindeer
will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy.  Per second.  Each.  In short,
they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer
behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire
reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second.  Santa,
meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater
than gravity.  A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be
pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.


 In conclusion -


 If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.


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