On the 'new' English...

[David Farber <farber () central cis upenn edu>]

WISH I KNEW IF THIS WERE TRUE BUT anyway it is humorous


Dave


FYI...


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Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC, the European
Parliament has commissioned a feasability study in ways of improving
efficiency in communications between Government departments.


European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is
unnecessary difficult; for example: cough, plough, rough, through and
thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased programme of changes to iron
out these anomalies. The programme would, of course, be administered by a
committee staff at top level by participating nations.


In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using 's'
instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would
resieve this news with joy. Then the hard 'c' could be replaced by 'k'
sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up
konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be made
with one less letter.


There would be growing enthousiasm when in the sekond year, it was anounsed
that the troublesome 'ph' would henseforth be written 'f'.  This would make
words like 'fotograf' twenty per sent shorter in print.


In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to
reash the stage where more komplikated shanges are possible. Governments
would enkourage the removal of double letters which have always been a
deterent to akurate speling.


We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is
disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and writ as
though nothing had hapend. By this tim it would be four years sins the skem
began and peopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing 'th' by 'z'.
Perhaps zen ze funktion of 'w' kould be taken on by 'v', vitsh is, after
al, half a 'w'. Shortly after zis, ze unesesary 'o kould be dropd from
words kontaining 'ou'. Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer
kombinations of leters.


Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl
riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls, difikultis and
evrivun vud fin it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drems of the Guvermnt vud
finali hav kum tru.