Personal Story, Tactical Communication and Conversation Manipulation

[Gadi Evron <ge () linuxbox org>]

Going back home from meeting friends for a beer, I was excited. It's not 
often that I encounter something cool to do, which appeals to my youth's 
old tactical nature. When it does, I jump it! This is a story of how 
someone tried to manipulate me, and how I countered.

The two friends with me discussed a fascinating topic I didn't even know 
existed, and simply because I saw that I could do so, I decided to bring 
this topic to a larger audience, creating a mini-conference on the subject.

First on my list was to find a location, so I contacted a local academic 
who could be a good partner for this, and called a couple of other 
friends to get them on board, arranged for speakers, PR and other 
necessities.

The next day I received an answer with a phone number, and within a few 
hours had the academic in question on the phone. Our conversation was 
very easy-going and friendly in tone. Smiles splattered on our faced.

I told him I am excited to speak with him, as he obviously has more 
experience on this particular subject. I was differential as academic 
ego demands, showing him the respect he deserves, but in tone -- I 
remained an equal.

I made my case, and he cut in, asking "Can you explain what you have in 
mind? We ran a conference on this four years ago. Do you have something 
new to warrant an event?"

"No," I answered in an /interrupt/ of my own. He apparently didn't 
expect that, so I asked to continue my pitch, and then did.

A lot changed in the last four years, and even if not, in a university 
environment, four years ia an eternity -- with many new students who 
would appreciate this event. I had better arguments than these, and as 
my purpose was cooperation rather than confrontation, I preferred to 
move on.

I explained how this topic is exciting, how it has direct impact on both 
higher education as well as real implications for daily life, 
governance, and the economy. I used two anecdotal examples to illustrate 
this, and my excitement probably dripped all over him, even over the phone.

"Well," he responded, "let me tell you about an idea I had."

/DING DING DING DING DING/
Warning bells sounded in my head. "Happily, what's your idea?

He told me about an event idea, which sounded interesting. As he spoke I 
got about three ideas running in my head on the subject, but I listened 
quietly. "I would like to work with you, and if you can take some time 
to think of ideas for what we can do at this event, I'd appreciate us 
talking about them."

/Stay on message/

"Of course," I said, "I'd be more than happy to." And I was. "However", 
I continued with the same breath, "this conversation is about the first 
idea, so while I'd definitely like to discuss this with you further 
later, let's stick to the first one for now."

"Alright." he said, and we discussed a bit further, at which point he 
said "well, last year we ran a small event on this topic, and there was 
real innovation there which we could showcase. What will be new here?"

I explained a bit more on why I am excited, and why the topic is 
relevant, and how such an event can be beneficial. Then I decided to 
change tactics to show my resolve.

/Stay on message, clarify position/

"As you know, I am a security professional."

"Yes, that is where I know you from. Security, Internet, Cyber 
Warfare... Why does this subject interest you?"

"Truth be told," I happily jumped in, "I am excited. I learned to be a 
strategic person, but at heart, I am a tactical person, energized by 
excitement. I am excited about this topic, and I am willing to put the 
time into making this event happen. I will make it happen, but as I know 
of your vast expertise, I decided I must approach you first."

After more deliberation he asked me "What do you think of my event idea? 
I'd appreciate your opinion on ideas for it, and we can get back 
together on this after you think about it."

/DING DING DING DING DING/
Alarm bells rang again.

"I already thought about it, and have three ideas so far."

"Oh, great! What are your ideas?"

I shared two, as my short-term memory had already erased the third. I 
told him as much, and I think he believed me, but it could be seen as a 
lure or a trick. We were extremely friendly. He asked me to email him 
the third one if I remember it. I promised to do so.

/Stay on message/

"I'd like however, to finish our discussion of my idea for now, as there 
is a time constraint."

When he heard I want to get it done within a month rather than a year, 
he was shocked. I told him how excited I am about the specific speakers 
I want to bring, and how one of them is leaving the country to join his 
new wife, and he is a major source of my energy for this. I mentioned 
how I understand if his events schedule is already closed for the coming 
year, but wanted to make sure and contact him first.

It wasn't my intention to go cold on him or play "girl negotiation" by 
appearing not interested. But whether it was my excitement or the "girl 
tactic", or even the ego massage, it seemed to work.

He got excited about this speaker as well, and asked about getting him 
on video before he leaves. Then....

/BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG/

A trick I've never seen before, which unlike the ones used up to now, is 
purely manipulative from whatever perspective you may look at it.

"How about we both take a couple of days to think of our two ideas, then 
get back together and pick one?"

This is wrong on so many levels. To begin with, his idea is not on the 
agenda. Second, he assumes I am willing to give up on my idea. Third, he 
assumes it's one or the other, this is a false choice logical fallacy.

More importantly, with this trick he can potentially achieve four 
immediately obvious things. First, wipe the slate clean to run his 
arguments by me again. Second, put distance between the chats so that I 
have time to move from my strong position, and consider his, perhaps 
feeling uncomfortable turning him down again. Third, it puts the subject 
on the agenda. And fourth, potentially try to wear me down, as most 
people won't call again in two days, or in two months.

I didn't miss a beat.

"I would be happy to discuss your idea separately, it sounds very 
interesting and I'd be happy to work with you on it. However, my 
resources are limited and at this time I am only interested in working 
on this one."

I added my winning argument: "I believe that I can get very good PR 
coverage for this mini-event, and get cooperation with Famous-Non-Profit 
which will also be happy to cover a part of the costs."

He lighted up at the mention of PR. We spoke for a bit and he asked me 
for a few days to speak with his boss. A few days when I have only a 
month to get things going are critical, so I wasn't happy about it. But 
the request was reasonable. He threw the ball into my court though, so 
when I got off the phone, I sent him an email.

I detailed five good ideas for his event, mentioned I was happy to talk 
with him, and was looking forward to hear from him soon. I also attached 
my phone number.

As I said when I started this post, he really is a good guy, and very 
friendly. But he is also a politician. He is an expert communicator who 
interviewed people live for a decade on national radio. So while I 
dislike manipulative behavior I recognize that for some, such behavior 
is more than acceptable. In fact, it is regular m.o. and needs to be 
expected as part of the game.

Thing is, even just a few years ago I would have gotten stuck after his 
first /interrupt/, and either ended up working on his event without 
realizing it -- or because I am too friendly. Worse still, I could have 
mishandled the communication in a potentially offensive fashion. Some 
years ago more, and I wouldn't have been able to play the game, and 
would have taken offense.

Being able to switch gears into "I'm being manipulated", think fast on 
my feat with my responses, and keep the conversation on track for my 
purposes (also the stated agenda of the call) -- all while keeping the 
rapport going without losing one heart beat, got me very excited. The 
content of the call was suddenly secondary.

While I am extremely straight-forward and honest in my communication 
style, I am a work in progress and am always learning. And I must admit, 
when two professionals meet, the conversation is happening on a 
completely different level. I am just surprised he didn't read through 
me that I was on to every single trick, when I was able to deflect them 
all. Or maybe he did and kept throwing them at me anyway to try and 
outwit me?

_There are a few issues to consider about this encounter_:

1. What was his motive? Perhaps he confused me for a hungry young hot 
shot, and wanted to use my excitement for his own ends. Perhaps a 
clear-cut switch-a-roo and get me to work on his event, "stealing" me 
from mine. Thus, bringing the conversation to where he wants it.

Then again, maybe he was just trying to end the conversation 
non-confrontationally.

2. His main tricks, in order were: change subject, switch-a-roo, get 
back together in 2 days.

3. What can you do to counter such tricks? After all, you may not always 
have a quick wit about you, or know the specific tricks.

The answer is similar to holding your own in politics: Stay on message. 
Know what your message is and stick to it. Others may try to confuse 
you, throw you off, and introduce a red-herring such as sending it for 
discussion in committee. Stay on message.

4. More importantly, the conversation made it clear it is quite possible 
he has no political power on this front, and thus can't give me what I 
want anyway.

Which brings us to...

5. What is your goal?
When I saw he was doing this twice, as can be excused as part of natutal 
discussion, why keep going?

My purpose is to achieve my goal, and if I am not going to, why stay on 
a call that is probably uncomfortable for at least one of the sides, and 
as sure as the sky is blue, wastes my time?

If my purpose is not adversarial, why treat the situation as a battle? 
Cooperative discussion is a much better approach. As no cooperation was 
likely to happen, keeping the discussion going is a waste of time.

By the second trick, it is usually clear to both sides what's going on. 
Keeping it going has no purpose, and indeed is a waste of time.

In summary, it didn't work out. But you should not get me wrong, I have 
a lot of respect for the guy. But it was one of the more fascinating 
five minutes in my life these past few months.

_Here are some articles I wrote on similar experiences I had_:
I'm interested, but in you: http://gevron.livejournal.com/11841.html

Snap! Jazz music and mass hypnosis: http://gevron.livejournal.com/32719.html

WTF! Or, wow, this never happened to me before! 
http://gevron.livejournal.com/29557.html

This story can be found here:
http://gevron.livejournal.com/40376.html

        Gadi.


-- 
Gadi Evron,
ge () linuxbox org.

Blog: http://gevron.livejournal.com/
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