A lesson in gravy boat etiquette

[David Farber <dave () farber net>]

Begin forwarded message:

From: Brian Randell <Brian.Randell () newcastle ac uk>
Date: October 14, 2004 8:23:35 PM GMT+01:00
To: dave () farber net
Subject: A lesson in gravy boat etiquette

Dave:

Here is the piece from today's guardian that I told you about.

cheers

Brian

===


http://politics.guardian.co.uk/commons/comment/0,9236,1326850,00.html

A lesson in gravy boat etiquette

Simon Hoggart
Thursday October 14, 2004
The Guardian

Did Tony Blair apologise for the Iraq war? Of course not. Are you mad?

So if he didn't, did he apologise for something else, such as offering 
the country a prospectus so phoney it would have had a bent Mayfair 
estate agent run out of business?

The jury is still out. (I hate that cliche. In my experience, juries 
want to reach a verdict and get home for lunch. That will not apply in 
this case.)

It was the first prime minister's question time since the party 
conferences. Michael Howard said Mr Blair had not accurately reported 
the intelligence to MPs. "Will you now say 'sorry' for that?"

Here is the reply: "I take full responsibility and apologise for any 
information given in good faith which has subsequently turned out to be 
wrong.

"What I do not in any way accept is that there was any deception of 
anyone. I will not apologise for removing Saddam Hussein. I will not 
apologise for the conflict. I believe it was right then, is right now, 
and essential for the wider security of that region and the world."

This is the Tony Blair school of etiquette, in which you say you are 
"sorry" while making it clear (a) that you are not to blame, (b) that 
it wasn't your fault, and (c) even if it was, you would do the same 
thing all over again.

For instance, "I am sorry that I spilled gravy all over your trousers. 
I hope you will accept that there was nothing intentional about this. 
Had I known there was a ruck in the carpet, I would not have trodden on 
it while holding the gravy boat.

"But there is one thing I will not do, and that is apologise for the 
gravy itself. The whole house will agree that gravy is a vital part of 
any meal involving roast meat. Meat without gravy is intolerably dry 
and the British people will never accept that.

"The Rt Hon gentleman has conspicuously failed to tell us his attitude 
to gravy. Let me remind him that under the last Tory administration the 
quantity of gravy fell to its lowest level ever.

"I have to tell him that with inflation at a record low, and our 
educational standards rising at every level ... "

Or, "I regret that you were unaware that I am a married man. I spoke at 
all times in good faith, and I must make it clear that at no stage was 
I asked whether I had a wife.

"What I cannot do is apologise for our trip to Brighton, where, you may 
recall, we had a suite in the Grand, a champagne and smoked salmon 
supper, and at no time during that long, and might I add, eventful 
night, was the question of marital status ever raised ..."

After a while you just want to beg him to stop. "I don't mind!" you 
cry. "Just shut up!"

Curiously, the sharpest shaft came from Bob Wareing, a, short, plump 
Liverpudlian MP who has been around the place, largely unnoticed, for 
more than 20 years.

He opposed the invasion of Iraq and stood up to say that if getting rid 
of Saddam had been the real aim of the war, how was it that in February 
2003 Mr Blair offered the dictator a chance to stay in office by 
meeting the UN demands?

This was greeted with loud and prolonged cheering from Lib Dems and 
Tories, delighted to see a Labour MP, and such an unexpected one, wield 
the scalpel so deftly.

Mr Blair flannelled. "The reason we had to change regime was that it 
was perfectly obvious he was not going to comply."

Hmm. "Had the gravy boat been empty, my Hon friend would have had no 
need to complain. But it was because with gravy the beef is a moister, 
more digestible meal, a meal that the British people deserve ..."

And so on, for the next few years.
--
School of Computing Science, University of Newcastle, Newcastle upon 
Tyne,
NE1 7RU, UK
EMAIL = Brian.Randell () ncl ac uk   PHONE = +44 191 222 7923
FAX = +44 191 222 8232  URL = http://www.cs.ncl.ac.uk/~brian.randell/

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