IP: some MUCH needed humor

[Dave Farber <farber () central cis upenn edu>]

THIS LIST INCLUDES JUST A FEW OF THE INCREDI-QUIPS REPRINTED IN
THE "NEW YORKER" MAGAZINE OVER THE YEARS.  THEY'RE GOOD FOR A LAUGH:




It probably won't happen to you or your spouse, but what if you were to
die before you were able to complete your IRA program?  Untimely death
could have a serious effect on the retirement lifestyle you've planned.
        (in a letter from the Fidelity Federal Savings and Loan Assn.)
        [I guess that would mean no golf!]


Bring in this coupon, buy a friend one of our specials and get yours free.
*Friends must be of equal or lesser value*
        (on a flyer from the Coach House Restaurant in Norfolk, VA)
        [I bet your friend won't like hearing that.]


Unless one has managed to live an amazingly puritanical life, it is safe
to assume that everyone has buried deep within our minds and souls an
incident of the past which involves ourselves.
        (from the "University of Western Ontario Gazette")
        [Whoa, there's a deep thought.]


"Much too frequently, the criminal escapes the scene of a crime because
he manages to escape the visual capability of the responding officers,"
said Monterey Park Police Chief Jon Elder.
        (as reported in the "Los Angeles Times")
        [What a smart guy, that Jon!]


St. Thomas, Virgin Islands, vacation home, sleeps six, overlooking
Mediterranean, available weekly or monthly.
        (in the Prudential Insurance Company's Corporate Office Courier)
        [Great view from St. Thomas, huh?]


The commerce report on durable goods was seen as an encouraging sign that
the economy may finally be ending.
        (as reported in the "Milwaulkee Journal")
        [Thank God!  It was getting out of control.]


"Exhibitionists Being Sought for Crafts Fair"
        (headline in the "Park Forest, Ill., Star")
        [Very open-minded crafts fair, don't you think?]


A private passenger vehicle is one registered to an individual with a
gross weight of less than 8000 pounds.
        (from the "Meredith, NH, News")
        [That's quite an individual!]


"NEXT," the magazine of the future, has suspended publication.
        (as reported in "The Writer")
        [Short future?]


A British Airways 747 carrying 203 passengers landed safely in London
after being struck by lightning just minutes after taking off from
Los Angeles International Airport.
        [I wish all flights were that short.]


In the interview, Nancy Reagan said she supports capital punishment,
adding, "I think that people would be alive today if there were a
death penalty."
        (from the "Riverside Press")
        [First Ladies have the most amazing logic.]


$1.00 off any ice cream cake in stock... since 1934.
        (advertisement in the "Harrison Independent")
        [But, you may want to smell it before you buy it!]


Mr. Harris, just minutes before adjournment, said "This is only the
beginning.  I think the future is ahead for Georgia."
        (as reported in the "Atlanta Journal and Constitution")
        [Hopefully, the future is ahead for all of us.]


Gould, who sips instant coffee from a falling apart, overstuffed armchair
amidst his filing cabinets, laughs.
        (from "The Boston Globe")
        [I prefer a mug, but hey, who am I to judge?]


"We will initiate work that hasn't been started, but we're not going to
really start any new construction that hasn't already been underway for
some time now," said corps spokesman Ed Greene.
        (from the "Chicago Tribune")
        [Somebody elect this guy to Congress!]


Asked if he often his opposite-field homeruns, Carter said, "I can
count them on my right hand-- probably about ten."
        (from the "Montreal Gazette")
        [I'd like to see that right hand again, Mr. Carter]




===================================================================
=.......T H E   R Y A N   G O U L D   H U M O R   A L I A S.......=
=.......               rmgould () seas upenn edu              .......=
=.......Send all alias subscriptions, deletions, and humor .......=
=.......         submissions to the above address.         .......=
===================================================================