NIHILIST JOB RÉSUMÉ

["Dude VanWinkle" <dudevanwinkle () gmail com>]

A little light reading from: http://www.mcsweeneys.net/2006/4/3fezzell.html

NIHILIST JOB RÉSUMÉ.
BY ERIC FEEZELL

- - - -

David, Candice, whatever
EndlessMurk512 () aol com
This Abject World
(555) 555-5555

Objective

I have no objective. What's the point when cold death is the final
destination for us all? Can you explain that to me? I know I'm
supposed to put something here, though, so here goes: Your objective
is to hire me into a challenging position in a
computer-applications-based field within which you feel I can "make a
difference" and "contribute" in a team environment.

Imbecile.

Education

Bachelor of "Science" in Computer Applications, University of Washington

B.S., all right. It tickles me greatly that vapid, hornswoggled
employers place so much emphasis on scholastic aptitude and higher
education, as if knowing the Pythagorean theorem could shield me from
the stygian pointlessness of mortality or the lurid abyss of imminent
nonexistence. Of course, I use the word "tickles" figuratively, since
I feel absolutely nothing.

Skills

Skills are valueless and only serve temporarily to bolster the
trembling egos of the sheeple of this wretched world. I eschew all
so-called personal development, instead dying under the premise that,
when I'm a biodegrading mess of worm feed hopelessly buried beneath a
fathom of dark earth, being able to type 70 words a minute really
won't do me a modicum of what you so ignorantly refer to as "good."

Microsoft Excel, PowerPoint, Access; UNIX; Lotus 1, 2, 3.

Work Experience

Lead Sales Representative, Howard Brothers Trucking Co. (June 2003 to present)

As the leading sales representative at Howard Brothers, I implemented
a new invoicing database lauded by my maudlin, foolhardy management
team as "wonderfully efficient and surprisingly self-explanatory." Why
any of this mattered, I don't know or care.

As far as being a "leader" goes, I wasn't leading anyone or anything.
Death is the great leveler, leading us all. Or not. Again, who cares,
really?

Sales Clerk, Hot Topic (January 2001 to June 2003)

Employee of the month 29 consecutive times.

Interests

It pains me (again, being loose with the language here) to think that
one could be so ridiculous as to maintain any sort of attachment to
this-worldly tangibles, concepts, or other such contemptible ephemera.
I'll admit I play tennis, although I don't keep score and insist that
when my deluded partner does he use the terms "zero" or "nothingness"
instead of "love," a superfluous notion.

I also read a bit of Baudelaire, for what it's worth, which is nothing.

Honors/Awards

Mankind, in its self-congratulatory revelry, will finally come to
realize that all forms of kudos simply blind us from the solitary
incontrovertible truth: life is a hollow shell of nil.

Once, during my younger days, in an ultimately nugatory proclamation
(is there any other kind?) of my desensitized attitude toward
accolades and gifts, I coined the phrase "He who dies with the most
toys ... still dies." A bumper-sticker company then offered me a large
sum of money for the rights to this phrase. I told them to keep it and
give it to someone or something that mattered, which I guess was my
way of making a joke (back before I realized how asinine and fruitless
such a thing was).

References

This section seems a bit silly. But not like ha-ha silly. I mean
ineffectual, obviously.

- - - -

I got a few laughs, hope you did too

-JP

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